i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
