goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
