My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
