Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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