he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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