Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
