I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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