Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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