We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hippo gnu deer
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
