very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
