end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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