I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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