I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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