I have demons in me.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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