my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The feeling are messing with the penis
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
