You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
