seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
