i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
