if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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