i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
