2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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