doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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