We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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