AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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