i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh god it's open bar.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
