i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize