They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
