I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
