If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Vodka?
Forever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
