so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
