if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
