You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
