he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
