I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
