i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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