I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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