It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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