Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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