Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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