i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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