i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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