Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
