$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize