I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
