I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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