I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
