My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
