sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize