I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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