It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Randomize
