did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm always down for nudity.
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