Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
