I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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