We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
