whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Don't make out with my wife yet
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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