I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize