Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
