I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you traded sex for a burrito?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
