I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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