This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
