Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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