im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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